The Audacity of Forgiveness

For quite some time now- almost a year, in fact- I have been struggling with forgiveness.

I haven't been struggling with believing that the people who said, "I forgive you" really forgave me, though that certainly was a battle at the beginning.

And I haven't been struggling with forgiving myself, though even now I'm not sure exactly where I stand on that. My thoughts of forgiveness have been more externally focused (naturally, as I am a rather extroverted person). They've been on God, and they've been on the morality of it. They've been burning with my unspoken reaction of...

"But I don't deserve to be forgiven."

I don't deserve mercy because what I did was bad, and bad things don't deserve good rewards. They deserve punishment. And the thing that's so hard to fight about that train of thinking is that it's true. We all know it's true. The Bible declares it's true. Evil deserves punishment. Disobedience deserves correction. Guilty actions deserve a sentence. Our inner sense of justice (even if you believe that morality differs among different people and people groups) begs us to do something; we rightly believe that sin should be dealt with and righteousness, kindness, and bravery should be rewarded.

And I have fought and fought God over His forgiveness because I know that I didn't deserve it.

I still don't.


But the problem comes in this.

The problem is that God has shown Himself in Jesus, and Jesus forgave a bunch of people who didn't deserve it.

As I was driving to my job this morning, I told God, "I need you to forgive me. I need to know that you forgive me, even though I don't deserve it." And God told me to think about Jesus. He told me to think of all the people Jesus forgave- the woman at the well, the woman caught in adultery, Peter for his denials, and, most notably, His crucifiers. Jesus forgave the men that killed Him as they were killing Him.

Then God said to me, "And do you think you're the exception?" It was as if He said, "Oh yeah, right, out of all the people in existence, you, David, are the one exception to my grace. I'll forgive everybody else for all the horrible things they've done, but you're the one exception (all of this said in a sarcastic voice that God knows I respond well to."

The reality is that none of us have ever deserved God's forgiveness. We do not earn His forgiveness, and none of us is the exception. And the thing that makes God's forgiveness so amazing and appalling and sometimes literally unbelievable is that we haven't earned it. God's mercy is free and He charges us nothing when He agrees to take our sin and throw it as far away as He can (and God has a pretty darn strong arm).

If Jesus can forgive His closest friends betraying Him and His crucifiers for killing Him and Paul for slaughtering His followers, He can forgive me and He can forgive you. We are not exceptions.

Looking Inside

I look inside myself and I find this new need to be constantly distracted- with something. It could be video games or a tv show or funny images on the Internet, but whatever it is, it's a tool to silence the way I really feel and what I'm thinking.

And it's not a way to live. It's a way to die. It's a way to wither and shrivel- to acknowledge that there is a problem but take no time to mend it. It's like using air freshener to drown out the smell of smoke filling your house. Sure, it's possible that you'll remove the smell that reminds you of the fire, but the fire will continue to burn your house down and everything will be lost.

But our hope is this- that we have a God that is big enough and strong enough and loud enough to get our attention and wake us up, and He can give us his Spirit so that we have the strength to fight the fires of our hearts and our relationships and our world.

Really though, this is shallow. This idea that God needs us to cooperate in order to save us.

He doesn't.

He is strong enough and loving enough to save us from our fires without us even asking- though I think that sometimes He wants us to ask. He wants what is best for us and what's best for us is Him, but we get so self-focused that when God saves us, we credit ourselves. And the worst part of that isn't even that we are proud and arrogant and ignorant, or even that we're lying to ourselves. The worst part is that when we relocate and the new house catches on fire, we won't ask for help and we won't trust Him and we will miss out on how amazing He really is. The worst part is that we pass an opportunity to be intimate with the God of everything.

And it's such a sadness that God shows His kindness and we are so blind as to think that we are good and we are capable in and of ourselves.

I assure you that the other bad part of self-focus is grief. When we focus on ourselves too much and too long, we realize how incapable and small we are, and that's a helpless and hopeless thought- to think that you can't fix others and you can't even fix you. To look inside and know that you can't save yourself.

But God is and was, and is coming to the proud and the broken and those in burning houses, and He is rescuing. If your heart can't believe that and your soul still aches and you question all that I write...well, I still won't worry about you. God is not in need of your request, your belief, nor your approval in order to show loving kindness to you and bless you and saturate you in the goodness that chases you.

And so I will love you and He will save you, and one day...well, one day there will be no more fires and no depression and no distractions. One day we will simply live and love and grow warm in His house, and He will prevent fires and make our food and reign as we worship.

And that is a comforting thought.

Broken Beautiful?

Before I get too deep into this, I'd like to make a preface.

This entry is for broken people. It's for people with brokeness of all kinds. Maybe what broke you was a relationship, a death, a divorce, losing your kids, depression, loss...maybe it still breaks you, but whatever it is, this entry is for you. And what I'm going to type here on this bright little screen in a big dark room isn't meant to say you aren't beautiful, because you are. It's to say.....well, lemme just get into it.


Broken Beautiful?

Over the past couple years I've heard several songs on the Christian radio (and I'm sure this KISS FM's play these too) that talk about brokeness, and that somehow desperation is more beautiful than a hallelujah. Or I've heard that the way we fall apart is beautiful. Or that we're broken and beautiful. Or yada yada yada yada fill in the blank...you get my drift?

Before I say the big punch in the face to all of these poorly thought out and philosophically unsound songs, let me say that I understand their point. I understand it's for irony's sake. I understand that their goal is to remind you of your value and beauty that's sustained because of who you are, not how you are. I'll be the first to admit that I've needed one of these songs before...

But my friends....it's a lie.

A big fat lie.

Because your brokeness isn't beautiful...your brokeness sucks. It sucks to wake every morning with an ache in your heart so deep that words can't even describe it. It sucks to have that person you lost on your mind every moment of every day all the while knowing you'll never be with him or her ever again. It sucks to help your dad move into an apartment with his new girlfriend. It's painful to wake up everyday already tired before you even get out of bed.

It's even worse to feel tears stream down your face like razorblades onto your pillow every night. And my dear friends...

That is NOT beautiful.

I refuse to believe in a God who would want us in that place. I refuse to believe in a God who would desire for us to suffer sleepless nights and bloodless wounds for the rest of our days on this earth. I refuse to believe that a good Dad wants that for His children.

In fact...here's what I believe.

I believe in a Jesus who took all of our brokenness, sin, pain, suffering, and death upon Himself so that we wouldn't have to bear that punishment and weight. I believe in a Jesus who walks next to me every single day even when I think I'm alone. I believe in a Jesus who loves to see His friends smile. I believe in a Jesus who saves; I believe in a Jesus who doesn't create ashes, but who takes our ashes and sprinkles them on the dirt so that something beautiful could grow because of them.

So is your brokeness beautiful? No. But what God makes out of it is.

I believe in a Father who's in the business of mending wounded souls, in a Father who's arms are wide open and warm for His beloved children. I believe in a Father who can intervene at any moment and turn our storms into peace.

But I don't believe in a Father who thinks the storms are peaceful, or who thinks our fallen state is desirable, or who wants us to  be broken.

And so my friends, you are beautiful because you are made in His image, His likeness...you are fearfully and wonderfully and beautifully made. But don't think that God wants you to stay broken. He sent His Son so that you could be healed, delivered, restored, redeemed, joyful, whole, and free.



Your friend,

David

Pain

Pain is like a river. Though it can sway left and right, it always carries you down. Sure you can fight it, swim against the tide, conquer the impossible for a little while. But eventually you will get exhausted and end up going the same direction you would have gone in the first place- to bigger and greater waters...

Unfortunately pain is not a gentle river. You can't grab a canoe and gracefully row down and down. Pain isn't even a clean river. This river has sharp twists and turns, fish, algae, and dirt swirling about. It's a quick fall in some parts, and a shallow one in others. But one thing is for certain-those who endure it always arrive somewhere better.

But my hope for you this morning isn't simply to let you know that there's an end to your pain. After all some rivers are much longer than others, and who knows how long yours will be? But my comfort to you this morning is to let you know that you are not paddling alone- there are others who, though in different rivers, are also paddling and enduring. Though we may not be together in location, we are together in experience...and to me, it is a nice thought to know I am not alone.

And lastly, above all this, there's a mighty God, who in mercy just as great, got in your boat and He paddles with you. No, His promise isn't to take you out of the river to dry land. And no, His promise isn't to do all of the paddling alone. But He does make a much greater promise, and that is to be with you the whole way, to be some one you can talk to, some one you can confide in, some one you can trust. Through this pain, He will always prove Himself.

At the Seams

A darkness has been revealing itself in the world for some time now, but especially in the last few years. We as communities of people and countries and government have seen the horror that men of twisted and perverse doctrine can bring. We have seen it in the murder of innocent children at Sandy Hooks Elementary. We have seen it at a movie theater shooting in Colorado. We have seen it in a bombing at a marathon in Boston. And we have found that this darkness is truly deep and black. We have found that it shows no mercy and seemingly no end except death. We have found that even the atheists and secular media will turn to religious explanation and spiritual direction in these times.

But we have also seen that as we tear the seams of humanities fabric good people do exist and light can shine and overcome the darkness. We have seen that at the core of our very nature there is a tendency to destroy, but also a tendency to heal and help. I have watched in wonderful astonishment how God weaves our broken world back together everytime we shred it, and I am so in love with how He loves us. I have seen that His principles of unity and benevolence can stand strong even in the face of bleeding wounds and blasted limbs.

It is a lovely thought to think that people will come together when what really matters- what we all agree matters, which is life, love, children, healing- is being made to seem fragile and falling apart. I love that people will turn to God in their need, even if they are turning to different gods. I love that hope will rise out of the chaos, and that politics though messy and entangled are fought over for the sake of the lost, wounded, and oppressed. I love that though we have a tendency to run from God and break His law, He has a tendency to chase us and even shine His light through us. He is the God of light. Of life. Of hope.

In conclusion, I am happy not because of the losses we have endured and the bombs we have triggered, but I am happy because of the hope I have seen and the unity I have watched come out of it. I am happy because God is still moving to rescue us, and we are in such need of rescue.

Hope

Faith. Faith is how we walk, and that through which we are saved.

Love. Love is the pressing on and the reason we press on. Love is the movement. Love is the sacrifice.

But hope? Well hope is born of the other two. See, without faith in a good God above it all- faith in His benevolence and intervention- there is no hope at all. Who else has the words of eternal life? who else is perfectly pure and omnipotent?

Without love we have a flawed God whom we cannot have faith in.

Without love there is no intimacy, no passion, no trust.

Love is what we all hope for most. The longing to be fully known and utterly cherished is bred into all of us.

But oh how we have fallen. How we have twisted and turned and broken all good things. We have turned sex into a bargain or a short term contract. We have turned money into the dependable- into a savior of sorts. We have prized our prizes over each other.

We have turned kindness into manipulation and humility into weakness.

Is there any hope at all? Is there hope for the rich sinner basking in his lusts? Is there hope for the addict who can only wish it's the last time but knows it isn't? Is there hope for the poor and powerless? For the widows and orphans?

My friends, our system has not worked. We have fought for high places, but some one must end up low. We have seeked pleasure over commitment. I too am guilty of this.

There is not a righteous man on earth who always does what is right and never sins. So where is hope? Is it in rulers & kings? In government and contract? Is it in good men? Is it in wealth that hungers and pierces? I would believe a resounding no.

But...there is hope. There is hope of a brighter day when Love will come and wipe all tears away.When Light will shine in even the darkest deepest places. When captives will be set free and the weary will have rest.

And even now Love is moving deeper still, making wrongs right and turning wounds into memories.

Love is in our words and compliments. Love is the story of an autistic child being caught from an air conditioner by a bus driver, and a seal nudging a desperate man to the shore, and red and blue buying shoes for a homeless man. Love is in the students donating thousands to save thousands.

Love is in the colors of the sunrise and the taste of sugar on our tongues.

Hope is here, and His name is Jesus.

Any Hope at All

Dear God,

If there is any hope at all, let it be found in you. Please don't let my eyes simply see it, but let my heart feel it.

If there is any hope at all, let it be beautiful and passionate as you are beautiful and passionate. Let the light shine so bright that we ache in our repentance.

If there is any hope at all, please use me as strength for the weak and food for the hungry. Please be my strength.

If there is any hope at all, speak that we may hear it, and love so that we may send it. Move so that life is here, and break us until life is found.

If there is any hope at all, may Your voice grow louder and all the others grow softer. May Your words be heard and all others forgotten. May You be the path we follow.

And dear Healer, if there is any hope at all, heal the broken hearts and mend the broken spirits.

And dear Redeemer, if there is any hope at all, save us from our own selves. Save us from our sinful and twisted ways.

And dear Father, who is our hope, let there be peace and comfort found in Your presence, and draw us into You.

And dear God, if there is any hope at all, hear my prayer and move in power. Your love is everlasting. Amen.

The Ground

            What if what we are is what we came from? Dirt. Earth. Ground. And perhaps we are naturally only that- filthy, dirty, and trampled on. Yet worse, we are dry dirt in the desert, fruitless and empty. What if we are plain? What if we are lifeless? What then will we do?

            This is me. This is how I am. My flesh is lifeless and deathful. It is full of the unhealthy, crusty and brittle pieces that give it no meaning at all. If anything would grow here, it certainly wouldn’t be called bountiful. The growth would be weeds, which perhaps take more life than they give. The growth would be incessant and wholly undesirable, except by the ground that is so innately desperate to give life to something.

            What if the best we can be is broken? Is that all we can be? I know that if I were a hoping land, I would want more. I would want water and life. I would want the roots of great trees to come out of me. I would want trees that bear much fruit. I would want the flutter of butterflies and the sound of rain drops to encompass the life that flows out of me. I would long for animals to step on me and feel safe and firm. I would want rivers to saturate my soil and hope to burst into growth all around me. I would want love.

            Perhaps this is all possible. Perhaps all we need is a man greater than our earthly fragments to come and nurture us. We need Him to rescue us from our dry and dreary position and bring water. We need Him to bring seeds. We need Him to bring even hope. But more than all these things, we need Him to have a desire for us. Now I’m not talking about a man is after self gain and temporary things. We need a man who will come and stay, and ensure we don’t return to our old fruitless selves. We need a man who would want to make us His.

            But who would want such a thing? Who would put in all of this work? Who would care to rescue us in our worthless state?

            There is but one Man, and He not only came to rescue but came to stay. His name is Jesus. He, in great goodness and kindness, loves us and desires to save us. He desires to heal us and give us all that we should need. The greatest news of all is that this Man hasn’t come just to reap a harvest, but He has come for our benefit, and He has promised that under His hand we will have all that we long for.

            I believe in this Man. I believe that He is faithful and true to all His words. He is worth inviting and loving because He is so inviting and loving. Our brokenness is healed by His blood. Our sins are forgiven by His love. Our uselessness is changed by His power. Our souls are loved by His heart.

The Heart's Longing

     The longing for greatness. The longing for glory. The longing for more. The longing for our longing to be fullfilled, and our hearts to rest. These are the longings I speak of today. These are the longings we're all aware of...and they're also the longings we see filled and removed oh so rarely.

     But this isn't a new thing. Don't be fooled. Since the very first fall of man, we have had these longings in greater abundance, and since the first seeds we have turned to all the wrong answers. Your struggle, my struggle, our struggle, it is not new. It is an old struggle with an old solution...and one I fear we've all but forgotten.

     We have this strange paradox in which we long to be great ourselves, and yet long to be part of something- or some one- greater than simply ourselves. That if I alone were great, I would be alone, and loneliness and contentedness never come together nor stay together. We long for unity. For unity in ourselves yes, but also for unity with others. Unity with some one who desires us, some one who accepts us, and some one who adds to us. Not some one who would steal our strength and fruit, but some one who would willingly add theirs to ours.

     How deeply we do long for change. We know that how we are operating is not working, yet we find no other solutions. I believe, however, that somewhere deep inside we all know the answer. Why then? Why do we not search it out? Well I propose that we are fearful. I am fearful. To search this Solution out is to go into the unknown. It's to admit there is somewhere and some one with whom I will gain much freedom and yet lose much freedom. It's to admit that I am in fact broken. It's to be courageous. This is rare yet powerful virtue.

     But I will tell you my friends that our Solution is desperate for us. He is altogether receiving and forgiving. He is clothed in glory and greatness and eager to place Himself into us. He is seeking the humble and courageous. He is seeking to share more of Himself with the world- not because He's egocentric or proud, but because He wants us to have the best...and He knows that He Himself is the best. He is love. He is abundance. He is rest. He is the fulfillment of our hopes. He is the Solution.

     I pray for your peace and rest, and that this hope that daily finds me will daily find you, and that as we seek in return, the glory of God will not simply be shown but be spread. I pray that broken hearts will be healed. I pray that chains will be broken. I pray that hope rises.

Why I Believe

There is a darkness that dwells in us, that constantly nurtures our fear and drives us to be twisted. This is the flesh. The carnal. The broken. Our darkness is so deep that even we do not want to admit it to ourselves, much less to each other. But it is real. It is here.

There is no hope in us alone. Many men have tried to place the darkness and produce light- all efforts including education, positive thinking, money, or willpower. Many have tried and many have failed. History will hold true to the fact that we are broken, and no carnal man has ever found a solution as to how we are fixed. This is why no perfect government has been made, nor can our imperfect government save us. This is why there is war, why there is hunger, and why there is death.

Even our current situation is gleaming with the statements of our perversion. Philosophers, theologists, psychologists, authors, and atheists alike all agree on one thing. That we are broken. That there is something each of us knows we ought to be, that we ought to measure up to, and yet none of us do. And we see the brokeness. We see it in distant and conflicted families. We see it in government that divides and people that divide with it. We see it in school shootings. We see it even in religion- when the world looks from outside in and sees that we make claims we have not lived up to, and shames us and is ashamed of us.

And what have we done? We have written about it. Self help books, philosophy books, therapy manuals. Everywhere from the internet to newspapers and magazines. Everyone is trying to the solution to our depravity. Pondering as people must, we suggest more beauty, more money, more fame, more power, more government, less government, more family time, more self-control, and higher education.

But here's the problem with these approaches. None of them have worked. Certainly if they were working, we would see new ideals being realized and old ideals being reborn. I'm not going to make any morality judgements- that we should support or bash homosexuality, that abortion is pro-life or pro-choice. The solution isn't found in measuring up to a moral code that no one consciously seems to be able to agree on. But I propose that we look at the things we are united on...that abusing and murdering young children is wrong. That beating our wives is dark and inhumane. That crime without punishment is injustice. That we humans have a heart that is bent against good things.

So what's the solution? Here's what I believe, and why I believe it. I believe in a God of light, in a savior of the world. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that He is and has always been the solution, and the reason we deny that is because we have never fully tried Him. Why? Because we, in our feeble attempt to understand His entire nature, believe it costs too much. But I believe that the benefits far outweigh the costs.

I believe in a God whose heart breaks at the sight of sin. I believe in a God who has planted some of Himself in each of us in such a way as to make us yearn for Him. I believe in a Jesus who came and lived a perfect life we could not so that His nature could be combined with ours, that while we may still sin, we could love and be kind and show compassion. I believe in hope.

Why Jesus? Why not any other religion? Firstly, because He identifies the solution as Himself. He doesn't tell us that we can fix ourselves. He doesn't convince us that the answer is to just try harder. He tells us that He is God and we are not. I can no longer believe that the answer to mankind's problem is found within mankind.

Secondly, because I have found no progress in any other pursuit. No other desire has ever given me rest except for Jesus. No other place I have gone has had still waters to restore my soul. No other place has had a Father who loves me in every perfect way. I've yet to find the answer in politics or authority. But with Him, I have improved. I have gained in strength and maturity. I have grown in faith. I have seen fruit.

I have seen others improved. And above that, I have loved and seen others love, and love is after all our most prized possession and pursuit. We desire unconditional acceptance above all other things, and my Jesus is the only place I have found unconditional and everlasting love, and I have found this same love in others who found their love in Him as well. He is the source.

And this is what I believe and why I believe, and I pray that my belief finds you and rescues.

Divine Romance

At the essence of who I am, there is a desire we all share. This is the desire to be loved, and along with that, liked. To know there is some one not only out there, but right here. Some one who will love me unconditionally, that regardless of how I write or how often I write, my letters are cherished. Yes, even the paper is cherished.

But more than that, I don't simply want a love that overwhelms but a desire that overwhelms. To feel so secure and captivating, that even one word from my lips would cause some one's heart to beat faster, some one's step to pep up, some one's eyes to grow wet with passion.

I want some one that enjoys me, but not because they only see what's good in me. I want some one who sees even the darkest parts of me and likes me anyways. Some one who's eyes are endowed with the ability to look past this flesh I dwell in, and see my vibrant and ravishing heart.

I want life.

I want breath.

I believe it is in the very nature of love to be incomprehendable. I believe it is in the power of love to be so gripping that even pagans and prisoners can be won. I believe that every parent who loves their child will tell you that they can not find enough ways to express their love, that their care and warmth goes beyond what any words could say or actions could do, because even the years of nurture may not seem to be enough.

I believe in a God who is like this.

A God who dances over us in violent and elegant ways. Who sings with a booming voice that makes me wonder how we so rarely hear it. Who with gentle hands touches places no one else can touch, and with eyes of fire sees places that no one else can see. Who's heart is the only one big enough to love all mankind and creation as fiercely as he does.

Every once in a while we see a glimpse of His love shine through us. Whether it's the saddened woman who forgave the man who murdered her daughter, and pleaded for his sentence to be halved. Or it's the teenage girl who just wasn't popular enough, and despite her peer's hurtful ways got meaning and hope from a community who cared enough to do something. Whatever it is and however it comes, we know it when we see it.

And this is love, that a man who had no need of us nor anything to be gained from us came to earth and lived the life we could not, died a death we deserved, and rose again so that we might also be resurrected. This is truth. This is the gospel. I hope it finds you in a place that is receptive and redemptive, and gives you hope for a brighter day.

Uncreated Light

Have you heard this voice? This voice of almost and never good enough. This voice that demands and harbors just outside the ears of your heart. This voice that constantly reminds you that you have darkness, and sarcastically begs you to create light.

It's a cruel and rough voice, and while it has no pleasantries to be named, it's the voice we so often hear louder than any of the others. It's the voice of condemnation.

Write better, work harder, worship purer it says. Commit to that group you really never wanted to associate with anyways. You know that if you don't, you're a failure and worthless. Raise your hands higher, sing to this God you're not sure of it says.

This is the voice of fake testing that says to do something seemingly attractive, but only to steer you to an end of blame and worthlessness. Try to lift that weight as the ideal man could, but only to embarrass yourself and hide in your shame.

This voice is not God.

It is true that you have sin within you. You have a flesh that constantly strives to kill you, and will fight in every way it knows how in order to stay alive. All have fallen short of what our King created and what He deserves. There is none righteous, not apart from him.

It is true that you will fail and fall, and fall into those moments of your own strength.

But here is The Truth. Jesus Christ.

If you didn't know, let me clarify to you (as best I can) the wonder of His heart.

He is the scarred hand that picks you up after you've fallen. He does not yank, nor let go, nor fall with you.

He is the softest voice telling you all the words you wish He'd say- "I love you, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you."

He is the One who loves you and likes you too. He enjoys being with you, to simply dwell in the color of your eyes and the warmth of your breath. He's excited to seek you, and excited to find you.

He is the Light in the darkness. He is the One who became sin for us so that we might be blameless. He is the candle in the lantern, bringing warmth and light to the farthest reaches of your soul.

We are the uncreated light, that we do not manufacture our own humanistic form of false hope. We can't, and that is because we were never designed to, but we step into His light, and He shines on us. He removes the darkness. He removes the shame. He removes the voice.

My dear friends, do not give up hope and love, nor faith or peace, but give up the estranged and disarrayed idea that you can do it alone. Healing is found in holiness and community, and nowhere else. Surrender is the gateway to these things, and it does not come by you find Him or measuring up to Him, but by Him finding you. He is not far from anyone.

Perpetual Smile

There she was- an angel. An angel in my house? She stood there casually and comfortably, as if she were ordinary.

I won't lie and say it was at-first-sight, as though people have only the depths of a painting to their character. As though anything seeming ordinary or even slightly unique from every other wonder like it is deemed to forever be ordinary. In fact, precious diamonds are found from the coal and beneath the coal.

It was a short time before I knew her name, and we talked as all "soon-to-be's" tend to talk, with a glimmer of hope in every word and an underlying attraction to tie it all up.

Twas only a week I got to see her beautiful face on regular occasion, and while it wasn't yet the growth of something extravagant, it was the birth of something potential-loaded, like a pistol waiting to be aimed and fired. We went from sketchy Mexican restaurants to famously acronymed chicken wings, and even the the presence of God Himself. While we weren't yet sure, He was looking not from above to where we were, but from our future to our present, from the simply starting to the graciously going.

Via wild lines and symbolic signs I've yet to comprehend, we typed and wrote and dreamt. We spoke not yet as lathered significance, but as friends who could one day be more. We saw it and yearned for it, and our horses were ahead of our cart. And she didn't tell me the depths of her heart, nor did I tell her what lies in the deepest cave of my being, but we became more than acquainted, like a flower knows the wind.

2 months went by, and we had "the talk." You know, that talk in which you lay things out on the line in hopes that the other party will lay things out on it too, and that your puzzle pieces might fit together. Is it by chance? All newlyweds would say certainly not, while singles might say it's quite plausible. I'm not yet sure, but philosophy and speculation don't in themselves change what is happening and what has happened. For now I choose not to know or care.

She exclaimed her standards and I, embarrassingly compared, told her mine. A couple hours and a few lines later, we had openly discovered there was something to this, and that there could be more. So, for another 3 months we were, what you strange younger people might call, "talking." It had everything from the moments of doubt when you think to yourself "is this really what I want?" to "I'm going to marry this girl."

Through much prayer and helpful friendly guidance, and a wee bit of human introspection, I discovered that my earlier question had been meaningless and void, and my second question was all the more favorable (and hopefully probable.)

And here we are, the day after our special day, loaded with early text messages and facebook overload, daunting that perpetual smile I could not hide if I tried. Am I happy? Of course I am! But not simply because I'm closer to having her and she's closer to having me, but because I look back and see that we've done it right thus far. We weren't hasty nor foolish, nor forceful nor arrogant, but through much prayer and guidance and a heart that waits (and a parent that permits), we've arrived at a new level, a new commitment.

So here's to you, my darling, for finding me and being found, for a new story to call our own, and may each day of your wonderful and precious life be evermore righteously and lovingly intertwined with mine.

You Did Not Choose Me

You did not choose me, but I chose you.

I chose you to love, to cherish, to hold.

I chose you to have affections for, affections far above those of anything and anyone else, and to hope you'd return those affections.

Why did I choose you? My child, not for war, nor for offering, nor power. I did not choose you for what you can do or offer, but I do and offer all things.

For purity? I am holy and righteous, and no more pure with you than I'd be without you.

I did not need you, for I need nothing. I am not a god created by man's hands, nor a rose grown from the dirt of the earth. I am not a God that I should need what you offer.

I chose you. I saw you and I was captivated. I knew you and I rejoiced. I met you and danced over you. I rejoiced with loud singing. I wrote your name on my hands.

I did not see your value through your eyes, but through mine. You are altogether beautiful my love, and there is not a flaw in you. You are a bride cleansed, now without spot or blemish. There is no one I'd rather keep. There is no direction I would rather look. There is no option I would rather choose.

Dance with me. Eat with me. Sing with me. Speak with me.

And our love will be sweet
Sweeter than the rain
Or the petals on the rose
Or life in your eyes

The Deepest Darkness

Lately I've been studying the idea of light. Not simply that it allows us to see, but that where it is, darkness can not also be. That when light is present, shadows flee.

I've been studying the idea of change, of how when a man or woman such as yourself, who is tainted with this thing we call flesh, has light shine on you and into you, it changes you. It allows you to see things you've never seen. It allows you to believe things you never considered before. My only fear is that men no longer seek the light because they've lived in darkness for so long that they don't remember what light looks like. My fear is that we are able to walk into the light and live in it, but we don't realize the full possibility and the need.

In the bible there was a man named Saul. He was not only absent from light, but delving in the darkness- dwelling in the darkness. If the normal person is just absent minded under stars in the night sky, Saul was several hundred feet in a cave. He even says about himself "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of which I am the foremost." You might ponder what it was the Saul did that was so bad, and what could drive him to say such a profound statement.

Saul was a murderer.

Worse than that, he was a hypocritical murderer who believe that was he was doing was right, and that he was serving God by killing.

But God. God one day revealed His light to Saul, and it was so bright that Saul became blind. Saul became humbled. Saul became different. And God, in His infinite kindness and mercy, redeemed Saul to not only give Him life, but to use him to bring others to life. Saul was changed so much that even his name changed from Saul to Paul. This brutal man whom everyone feared became so bright and loving that God used him to write most of your New Testament.

The point is this. If God's light can shine in even this deepest darkness, He can shine in your darkness too. "The light shines in the darkness." God purposefully seeks you out so that you may no longer be blind and bound, but free to see and believe. He hopes that you will be no longer stumbling and falling in this dark world, but will come into the light where there is peace, joy, and hope. He wants this for you. I want this for you.

"And the darkness has no overcome it." The darkness only has two options when light comes- flee or dissipate. God, whose light is bright, whose holiness is pure, has no darkness at all. His light shines and it can shine in you. But you might ask how? How do I do this? First, you confess. You confess that you have darkness and you don't qualify it, you don't justify if, you simply expose it. Secondly, you seek Him. The deeper you get into Him, the less of you there is. Where do you seek Him? In bible studies, in services, in prayer, in Scripture, and in loving friends. It is my hope that this inspires you, and that darkness would have to flee. May the God who is all expansive and the source of light find you gently and move you in.

Heaven

No weakness. No hurting. No pain. No shame. No heartbreak. No darkness. No brokenness. No sick. No lame. No blind. No loss. No deficiencies. No insecurity. No death. No separation. No poor. No sadness. No depression. No chains. No bondage. No aching. No falling. No hate. No judging. No wandering. No evil. No end.

This is Heaven. This is the offer of Christ. This was the creation of God. P

erfect harmony with His will and our desires. This is eternal life. Believers-this is what you signed up for. Unbelievers-if this is what you desire, it can be yours.

The fact is that we are broken. All philosophers, psychologists, and authors agree. There is something wrong with humanity. What is it? Separation from our original purpose, from our original essence, and our original unity. The problem was and still is sin. That we turned from light to darkness. From worth to worthlessness. From selflessness to selfishness.

But there is One who thought we could be redeemed. One who thought and thinks we are worth saving. And this love abundant came and lived among us, and taught us, and died among us, and lived once again. Why? Why do it? Simply this. To bring us back to ourselves-our original selves. To bring us back to the origin. To bring us back to Himself.

And to anyone that should call upon Him, they shall be saved. Will life be sudden bliss? Is that the promise? No. The promise is that one day we will enter into His perfect and spotless kingdom. And in this kingdom...

There is peace. Full peace. Full joy. Full prosperity. Full unity. Full hope. Full purity. Divinity. Wonder. Amazement. Health. Abundance. Fruit. There is love. There is light. There is Christ.

Furious

Furious

His love is deep. It goes into the depths of us, into the most secret and quiet places. Is he safe? Yes, but He will change you and remove you in every way. He is gentle and lowly in Spirit.

His love is wide. It is strong as death. It is sure. There is no one and nothing that is not affected by His love. It is all expansive, reaching all places and all hearts.

It covers us. It doesn't j

ust touch one place, but every place. From hearts to minds, from bodies to finances. It covers all there is to be covered. There are no gaps. No insufficiencies.

He love is fierce. It is forceful. Will He barge into your house? No, but He will knock on the door every single day in hopes that you'll answer. He will do all there is to do to reach you, and to show you Himself.

His love is strong. It doesn't fail. There no odds with God, and no limits to His power. His grip on you is no weaker or less capable than it was yesterday, and could not be greater tomorrow. It can not be measured, and it does not give up.

It is furious. He will defend you and redeem you at any cost. It will love you to the point of all emotions, that He is so obsessed with you it overwhelms you. This is not of works, but by grace and through faith.

His love is sweet. It is pleasurable and altogether desirable. There is no greater craving we could have, and no greater satisfaction that comes from anywhere else. Like a mother holds her child, so the love of the Father comforts us.

His love is wild. No one could ever talk Him out of it, and no one contains it. It is not hold back, even by you. He can not be tamed, but will seek you in hopes that you find Him.

It awakens hearts to life. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. Though you were dead in your sin, His death in love made you redeemable, so that you could live, and that your life would reflect His life. Wake up sleeper...

The Unlovable

Matthew West has (still relatively) new song out called Forgiveness. I don't know how many people have researched it, but the story behind it is powerful.

Matthew decided to write all of the songs for his newest album about real life stories people had sent him. In this story a mother's child was driving home. As the daughter was driving, she got hit but a drunk driver. He survived, but the daughter passed. There was of course a court hearing, and after x amount of months he was sentenced to 22 years in prison for DWI and manslaughter.

The mother started going around to various schools and organizations talking about the importance of driving safely, and the dangers of drinking and driving. She became a spokesperson for what she had experienced, and a warning beacon that has hopefully saved lives. I respect her a lot for that. After somewhere between a few months and a few years of doing this, God began to speak to her about forgiveness. She of course responded with the natural responses that all of us would give. "I have forgiven him/her. I'm not holding a grudge. I'm fine God." But after enough time and prayer, she realized she hadn't forgiven enough, and definitely hadn't forgiven this poor and lost young man who had killed her daughter.

Through radical change and a radical God, she forgave him. No, not just in her heart. She went to the prison to visit him, and told him she forgave him. The story doesn't end there though. She now considers him to be a friend, even a member of her own family. I don't know about you but I don't have a lot of confidence that I could do that. As if this wasn't enough, she also pleaded with the judge to have his sentence cut in half. That's right, 50%! If I remember correctly, he gets out this fall/winter some time.

So what's the point? Why write about this? First, it's to show the power of forgiveness. It's to remind us that forgiveness isn't just for the forgiven, but the forgiver. Second, it's to remind you that the word "impossible" is not in God's dictionary. Third, it's to demonstrate loving the unlovable.

Here's the thing. This story is a perfect allegory to the Father, Christ, and us. The Father is the mother, Christ is the daughter, and you and I? We're the drunk driver. We spat in His face. We crucified Him. We slaughtered Him. Even now we sin against Him. But His forgiveness, His love, His mercy is strong enough to go past us-for love is as strong as death. He didn't just forgive us, but He welcomed us to be with Him. He invites us to enjoy life everlasting. Truly there has been and never will be a greater love story than this. The Father, lover of the unlovable.

Of Mud

John 9:6-7 Having said these things, he spat on the ground, and made mud with the saliva. Then he anointed the man's eyes with the mud and said to him "Go,wash in the pool of Siloam." So he went and washed and came back seeing.

Jesus, a man of all kindness and glory, sees a blind man whom we learn in the next verse has been blind and poor for some time. He used to sit and beg on the street side. Jesus then spits in the dirt to make mud, rubs it on the man's eyes and tells him to go wash. The man washes and comes back, and for the first time in a long time (or maybe ever) sees color, light, darkness and beauty.

When I first read over this I just saw it as a miracle. Not that miracles are amazing, but they're sort of expected when I read about Jesus. It's easy to pass them by. But the last time I read this I just had the sense I was missing something...and here's what it was.

First, God has seen one of the "least of these" and not only stopped to recognize him, but heal him. So Jesus, a King, the one whom through all things were created, the full explanation and exact copy of the Father in Heaven, stops and cares for this man- a man whom He has not practical human attachment to. It's incredible to think that God would notice this man, but also notice me, and also you.

Secondly, Jesus spits in the dirt to make mud. I asked myself "why use mud? Why not just speak as before?" Here is why. Dirt is the most worthless thing on the planet, We have it in abundance, and unlike water, it isn't necessary (directly) for sustainence. It is the cheapest and most free thing in the world other than air. God took this thing that we don't just not value, but that is disgusting and avoided, and He used it for glory. In the same way, He uses us. We were lost in sin, in total death and helplessness and utter sorrow, and He, in His goodness and love, decided to save us. He adds Himself to the dirt, and through it comes a miracle. Sight.

We serve a God who is not only mighty and strong, but compassionate and kind. Yes, He has higher standards than we could ever reach on our own, but He has continued to give and in His generosity, Has given His son so that we could be free of sin and death. He has loved us. He loves us. He will continue to love us. Come.

Crazy Thought

Crazy thought.^

We were created as wholly intimate with God. In perfect harmony and shalom, we walked with Him. Then one day man turned away, and sin caused us to die.

It's well known that conflict, when occurred and resolved properly, can bring the conflicters closer than they were before the conflict. We see this not only in healthy marriages, but also in Song of Solomon. Solomon goes to his wife's chambers but she denies him. He leaves, she repents, is punished, and goes to find him.

What's incredible is that after we resolve conflict, which in the case of Christ and man is sin and forgiveness, we are drawn a little closer to Him, but not as close as we were originally. And if our fellowship with Him is this great while living in our flesh, how much more glorious will it be when we are once again in His likeness? When we no longer see through a mirror dimly, but see Him as He is, and are His perfect and spotless bride.

Maybe though, you haven't begun to walk in the Spirit here on earth. Even though it isn't perfect fullness, it is communion. In that communion there is comfort, peace, and forgiveness. There is also suffering, but power and purity. We have the promise that we will be rewarded both here on earth and in heaven, and that the rewards far outway the costs.

How do we enter into this communion? We learn of Him, who He is and what he's done by reading His Scriptures, and we believe and accept Him. He is faithful to not only be present but moving.